A sad sad day...

i thought im strong
but i thought wrong

i thought its easy
i never know how stressful it would be

i thought ill be okay
it was a very sad sad day

ariana is weeping outside
ibu is weeping inside (n outside too)

sob sob....

**************

update :


last week i was in alot of pain...i got blisters on my B....not sure whether its from lil girl's gum infection or not...yeah, lil cutie got gum infection dat make her lose 1kg....she was in much discomfort dat she refused to eat....no milk, no food thru her throat....making the parents in such a stressful week...

so i was crying when i had to bf her....took me a few days to realize dat the blisters dat are hurting me....went to see the doctor, luckily i got the same blisters on my hand (dats y im not sure whether the blisters are connected to the gum infection or not), so i can show it to him....he gave me antibiotics and a cream to be applied on the affected areas...


i had to stop breastfeeding rightaway...the dilemma was to stop for good or temporarily...if i were to wean last week, i knew lil girl wont be ready....I WONT be ready myself....dat adds on to my heartache.....

all dis while i had planned to stop bf when she turns 2 years old...ive been complaining to not being able to sleep comfortably...always worrying whether she'll bite my B....she'll bf for a very long time, stuck to my B, making me tired....all dis negative thoughts, negative feelings...backfired me when i had to stop immediately.....she was crying n throwing tanthrum...n i couldnt bear to listen to her...couldnt bear the thought dat i can no longer comfort her, stopped her from crying wit bf...i actually loved her being attached to me like dat...i kept telling her dat ibu is in pain....do u think an 18months baby will understand dat?

she's bfing not for milk...merely for comfort purpose.....a habit to go to sleep especially at night....now, how do u change a habit for a baby? its very difficult right....well, we manage to go thru the first night....i was singing twinkle2 lilttle star n zikir in a very husky voice (kihkihkih...to hubby it would still sound like minnie mouse =P).....need to 'dukung' her (her head on my shoulder) and walk around in the bedroom...

the routine goes on for 2 days b4 both my B was full...dis time i was in another kind of pain (sebelum ni luka, skang ni tambah satu lg, bengkak la plak)...so i had no choice but to let her bf even tho it was too traumatic for me...

now, a week had passed by...i no longer pump at work...ive long decided to stop pumping when she reached 1 1/2 y.o....my blisters are getting less but wont disappear completely yet....i bf only at night going to sleep...she would wake up once or twice for milk...even after bf, shes still grumpy so i had to wake hubby up to make her milk...i'll prepare hot water, cold water, FM and bottle upstairs every night......a routine dat needed to start only recently...sorry sayang, ur sleep will be disturbed every now n then....

i will now research on how to wean babies from bf, a topic i didnt care about until last week....my plan is to stop bf lil girl when she reaches 2 y.o...lets hope half a year from now, i will be less tramautized....

'Ya Allah, please give me the strength dat i need...aminnn....'